I am unsure.

unsure of myself.
unsure of others.

So, I made all my entries private, friends only. Feel free to add me,

I won't think its weird. I just didn't want to worry about people not from the community leaving me comments or people I know possibly stumbling onto it.

its been a week since i wrote in this but it feels like forever. so much has happened. My bf and i were sort of broke up. i want to be but somehow we made into a break. i don't know i'll have to talk to him when i get back from my weekend.

I'm starting to recover from a long a binge and weight gain. I just got so depressed about my body but i kept eating. Now its under control i'm not eating as much. I'm still trying to attempt this the healthy way. taking this nutrition class has really opened my eyes. Its a lot tougher to loose weight the right way but i'm ready for the challenge.

i started a new job! i'm pretty happy. and in 3 and a half weeks i'll be in summer vacation. I have so much work its crazy.

I wanted to weigh myself this morning to see where i am at but I'm not going to because i drank last night and got high and i know i ate some toast and some chocolate, so i don't even want to think about what the scale is going to read. I have to work all day. Hopefully i won't be too hungry, i'll try to just drink water and some other stuff and stay away from the pizza. I really don't want to go to work i just want to lay around.

last night i had fun for the most part at the party. it was nice hanging around people. as the night went on i was still having a pretty good time. then a friend of mine disapointed me. I know she was really drunk but i don't know i'm starting to loose faith in people. Short story is that even though i have a bf i sort of have a crush on this guy. I told my friend, she is one of the few people who know and well i thought i could trust her but then she was really drunk and she started dancing with him, she has a bf too so i thought that was odd. It just annoys me that i feel like every girl I'm friends with has to proove themselves to me or something. Like they have to show me that they can have the boy i'm crushin on a bit. It would not have hurt me at if she didn't know i sort of liked him. I felt betrayed and like i didn't matter to her, like she was just another girl who was my friend. people can be so disapointing.

here are some pics. I don't have a ton to report. I think I've lost some more weight. But i can't know for sure because i haven't been able to weight myself in the morning. I'll check somtime this week. I have to make sure not to spoil it and pig out.
can't wait till school is out and i can write more. just three more weeks. god i have so much work to do.

i haven't really been able to keep this thing updated this week. I'm super busy and will be until i'm done with this semester in may. so for now bare with me. I haven't gotten to post pictures every day like i wanted to, or post anything really. I apologize if there is anyone who has been checking for them.

good news is i lost 2.5 pounds. I want to loose more, right now. But i'm trying the slow way. Logically I'll stay thinner longer if I do it. Taking this nutrition class is good because it convinces me not to starve myself but i do still want to loose weight and this class teaches me how to do it in a healthy way. I recommend taking a class, its very helpful and it counts as a science credit !!

i've been super stressed lately. a lot of lame stuff.
i despise one of my roommates, i have a ton of school work. my bosses at work are getting on my nerves, i miss my big group of guy friends back home and things with my bf are on and off all the time. pretty much everyone tells me that he's a nice guy, but not for me.

but hey, once may ninths comes its summer time. so i'll be back in business. speaking of summer i want to loose 9lbs by then.

i have to step up my game if i'm going to look good in a bathing suit, or any summer cloths.

click on the images if you want to see a bigger view.

here are two more thinspo pictures. i'm trying to remember to put some up every day.
if they are too small you can click on them and see a bigger version.

alright, here is my tracker.
this should keep me motivated.

so i have decide that i really need to post more. If i post more and write how i'm feeling and everything i'll feel better. I can't talk to my bf about anything. He knows how i feel about my body and he's constantly telling me i'm fine. He does want me to be confident though so he'll suggest things i can do so that i will be confident. It angers me so much. I know what to do but its been hard. I have so much going on right now. I don't even know who i am, i feel like i've lost myself. I have severe pms and i get so emotional and angry and irritated and tired and overwhelmed. Its insane, i hate how it feels. I just woke up and i feel okay right now, i hope the day stays that way.

I am determined to loose weight, I've maintained this weight for about 10 months. I mean i guess i should be happy i maintained a weight and i'm not gaining like crazy.
But what sucks is this is the weight that my body likes and its hard to loose weight.
I know i can do it though. Right now i'm pretty much eating whatever, mostly healthy things but i also work at a pizza place so i eat there often which is dreadful.
I don't exercise which is bad news and i know it. Its just always been a hard thing for me to get into. that last few times i got into exercising i didn't loose any weight.
the times i've lost weight i barely ate. its hard for me to do that now because i'm always around people and before i lived in a dorm and now i live in an apartment so i have a kitchen always available.

i'm basically just making excuses, if i want it as bad as i feel i want it, this shouldn't be a problem. its just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when everything feels so awful... after i get my period this will be easier and once summer vacation gets its ass over here.
i will loose 15-20lbs.

i'm gonna set goals now.
by
April 1st: 2lbs
April 8th: 4-5lbs
April 15th: 7lbs
April 22nd: 9-10lbs.

i figured it out so that i can loose about 2lbs every week because your body can only loose 2lbs of fat a week, after 2 you start loosing other stuff, like heart tissue that doesn't come back. i've made this mistake previously and i don't want to do it again, loosing 5lbs a week is not healthy and its easier to gain back. i'm not the type of person who wants to be a skeleton. Everything in my life revolves around my weight, but i do want to stay healthy and i try not to get out of control.

i'm going to see how those 4 weeks go and update often.

I feel awful. I'm so moody because i'm going to get my period. i pretty much hate everything and i'm so bloated its disgusting. This past weekend is a blur and i didn't even drink. I hung out with a couple of friends. I ate some good things and ate some bad things. Had fresh fruit most days, but also cereal, I had a hot dog and some pizza (at work). work is killing me, food is all around and it sucks.


i wanted to write a lot more but i just fell asleep for a few minutes and woke up so i guess i'm going to go to bed and continue this in the morning.
night.

I'm stuck in every aspect of my life.
i've hit a wall for school, i'm a designer and i've got ideas, but i just can't get them on paper. My job is not so fun anymore and i want a new one. I have barely any money.
i question my relationship with my bf everyday and i can't seem to loose weight.

i've been asked to do so many things tonight. but i don't want to do any because i feel like a big fat cow and i just want to hide until all this extra fat goes away.
but i can't hide.

i can't wait till school is out for the summer.

Why am I letting myself go? seriously. Its like I eat something and some how in my head justifiy it. Yesterday was terrible. I'm not even going to write what I ate, but most people would gross out. For example, I had a doughnut!! But i didn't stop there.

it needs to stop, right now, right this instance. I'm not going out to parties because I think I am too fat. Why do I put myself through this.

being thin is the only way to be happy. I have been before and I was the happiest I've ever been. I need to loose weight. I will loose weight. My bf constantly tells me I'm fine. I'm not. I'm gross and thick. Today I was looking at my friends pictures on facebook and I'm like, Oh my god, I would be so much happier if I was thin again. I have a decent looking mug, a nice ass (so i've been told by many) and good sized boobs (c cup). If I was thinner i would feel amazing. I know my butt and boobs would get a little smaller, but who cares as long as they don't disapear completely.

neeeeddddd tooo bbeeee thin.
have to stop bingeing.
NOW.

so i was going well, then the past 4 days, pretty much the weekend i have tone awful. I got way off track. I'm having pms cravings sooo bad. I have the worst pms. Anyway i need to make out a plan to follow. I'm list person, and i'm very visual so i feel like its important for me to write all this down.

Plan for getting back on track.

Today.

stop eating after 8. I'll be up till at least midnight, so this gives me four hours to digest and become hungry.
do 70 situps, 40 leg lifts.

I want to do something similar to the 2468. Maybe modify i don't know.

LIST OF Calories in Foods that i have in my apartment right now.

APPLE: 81
APPLESAUCE : 90
OATMEAL: plain 100
OATMEAL: other 140-160
ORANGES: 62
WW BREAD: 1 slice, 70
WW PASTA: 2oz 190
SWEET POTATO: 150 (love them)
CUCUMBER: 39
GREEN PEPPER: 1 cup 40
GRAPES: 10 are 33

thats basically what food i have, i'll add if i can think of any.


tomorrow i'm going to be very busy, so i won't really have time to eat.
I can't let my friend buy me breakfast anymore, today she bought me a bagel and cream cheese.
it was good, but not worth it.
I'm also working tomorrow. I have to try my hardest not to eat pizza, i'm going to try to just have a garden salad with balsamaic. If i slip up i'm not going to eat anything for the rest of the night.


i have to keep posting or else i'm going to keep loosing focus. Being around friends, my bf (who doesn't stop eating) and my apartment, and my job is difficult because its pizza, good pizza that is thin crust and has fresh veggies and wheat dough, but its still not good.. I don't realize what i'm putting in my mouth and i feel awful, i hate my body right now, i don't feel pretty at all. this has got to stop.

Yesterday started off really well. I only had grapes, an apple and one piece of whole wheat toast. The my fave roomie wanted to get some food. i ended up eating a small sized veggie burrito. I figured that was okay, it was before 2pm and i still had time to burn it off and pretty much nothing for the rest of the night. That wasn't the end though. My bf wanted to for a walk and we ended up stopping somwhere to eat. I had cheese quesidillas (sp) and brown rice, and, get this, a brownie desert. I was so full afterwards. I didn't eat for hours.

but then i had my weird panic attack thing about being alone in my apartment. I was freaking out and i didn't just want to go to sleep or else i would have woke up every hour. So my bf talked to me on the phone and that was great. I also didn't want to go to bed without feeling hungry. I loose weight much faster if i go to bed hungry.

well, i started to get hungry and was ready to go to bed untill i bumped into one of my other roomies with her bf and they were making popcorn. They wanted me to try some, i took one piece and tried it. Then i started wanting other food. I took the peanuts that the roommate i don't like, bought, and ate some. And i had at least seven hershey kisses.

I was so close to waking up thinner. But no, yesterday was a total mess up. I will def do better today.

I decided I'm setting a date for when i want to loose weight. by the thirtheenth of march i want to be 7-10lbs less.

thats a way reasonable goal.

last night my bf kept asking about my weight. He kept being like, how much do you weigh, come on, tell me. I refused to tell him. He continued to be like, why not just tell me we're best friends why can't you tell me. I told him i really didn't want to but he kept asking and then i asked him what he thought i weighed and he guessed between 130 and 140, maybe less. I don't know how, but he ended up getting it out of me. I was not happy. I felt so gross. Then he was like why are you so worried, you look amazing, your weight is not even an issue. He told me i was crazy which led into a conversation about my past weights and how happy i was, which furher led into a conversation about what i would do to get there.
it was really awkward, i told him i wouldn't eat and how sometimes i would chew food and spit it out and i don't now. I wish that conversation never happened.

He was really tired so i hope he forgets.

right now i'm in a wicked bad mood. I've had some issues with one of my roommates and one of my friends. I thought everything was in the clear but they are going out to lunch and they didn't invite me. The worst part is that i don't even really like my one roommate, but i'm still mad they didn't ask. She is so lame. She is a typical art school student, her voice is airy and annoying and all she talks about is how busy she is but she doesn't even have a job and she is only taking the bare minimum number of classes. Also her bf is always with her at school because he is on the same floor with her and has a studio next to hers.
she lame, lame, lame, lame. I can't wait till i don't have to see her face anymore.
its awful how angry i get at her. I'm worried i'm going to get drunk and say a bunch of mean stuff to her. For example, last week she suggested having party and i was all for it, but all i could think was... who the hell was she going to invite, she has no friends. literally, we all go out with other people and invite people to our parties and she doesn't invite anyone except her current bf and somtimes her ex.
she so stupid, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.


if i have to hear something like "ohhhhhhhhh bbbbaaaaaabbbbbyyyy" on more time i don't know whats going to happen.






ahhhhh, it feels good to get that out.

I figured if i started out the day with writing that i will do well then maybe i have more of chance of that actually happening.

today i will eat very little all day.
i will not eat junk at night.
today will be a good day, i will be happy.

not eating equals happiness.
loosing weight equals happiness.

getting down to a lower weight than my roommate again is a must!!!!

fitting into my jeans like i used to is a must.

i can do this.
i will do this.

So yesterday, my plan was to eat only a little before work and then eat nothing after i got to work at five. that didn't go so well. My bf and i got food before i went to work, white rice, chicken and broccoli.

I resisted eating pizza at work. Got out and then went to a couple of parties.
I had fun at them, but i drank tequilla and lite beer.
got very drunk, got back to my apartment and had a dry waffle and a very small bit
of pops and passed out.

i don't party often but i wish i had not snacked when i got back.

i'm setting my goal of 4-5lbs by thursday night.

I haven't decided how much i'm going to restrict yet.
any calorie amount suggestions for loosing 5lbs in 5 days?

weekends are much different than weekdays. So i've decided to have different plans of action for the two.

During the week i plan on eating small amounts of food if i feel i have to eat.
I need to get back into drinking water. I seriously forget to. I don't know how.
But i generally don't drink anything and i get dehydrated often.

I have to start exercising. I've never been good at exercising to loose weight.
so if you have an helpful suggestions, let me know.

On the weekends i plan on eating most of my food before 5.
that way if i mess up i have time to make- up for my mess ups.


I've already messed up this morning. I wanted to eat before i see my bf and before i go to work that way i'll burn more in night (all i do is run around and stand at work for 6 hours)

but already i've eaten too much.
I had some egg beaters w/ salsa. (which is all i wanted to eat)
a couple pieces of honey ham (its a healthy brand)
and 3 pieces of ww toast, with butter.

i can't help the toast with butter. its a new craving. I never even used to like butter.
I should not have had the ham and i would have been better off.

i'll just have to eat barely anything for the rest of the day.
allthough it sucks because i'm already feeling hungry, i don't get that.

i'll drink water. that should help.